We all know there is a war going on and people are going to die and have died. I hate those facts; but I know there is a job to be done, I accept it. As an Army wife I think I often try very hard to block the fact that people are going to die over there. I cannot even say that just as an Army wife I do this; as a friend to many other Army wives and soldiers themselves, I want to block out any pain or loss they could endure as well. But on another level, I fear for any pain my husband may go through when a friend he has made there is wounded or worse killed. Unfortunately any blocking of these worries does not work; it is always right there under the surface causing an unacknowledged and unrelenting daily anxiety in my life.
The media plays a bit of a role in how often this anxiety heightens, but in a way it helps soothe other anxieties I may have at the moment. Today we heard about a major attack (Fox News) in Kabul where at least 17 people were killed. My heart stopped for a moment the news unfolded and then I immediately tried to think of people I may know there or if Shane knows someone and I say a quick prayer for those who have passed away and for their friends and families. It is amazing how quickly we Army wives learn the names of Providences, capitols and towns in countries over 3000 miles away from us; I know as soon as I read an article that states a familiar name my heart beats a little faster and if I do not know it, I Google how close it is to the ones I do know just to put my mind at ease. Just as today as I was reading the article about the suicide bomber in Kabul, it went on to mention a province I recognized only to well. It hit me, I was expecting a phone call last night that did not come and I realized, well now I know why; he was obviously a little busy. Sadly three of the soldiers from Australia were killed during that bombing, I know Shane has befriended some of these brave guys; my heart hurts for all of them.Now I am searching Australian papers for more information, a vicious cycle.
The fact anyone has died breaks my heart, for the Afghan troops, civilians, those wounded, those from Canada, etc… and our American troops. Yet when it hits closer to home, it makes the reality of war more personal and not just heightens the worry of being afraid of something happening to Shane, but what life is going to be like when he comes home. I cannot help but think about the year to come once Shane gets home from this deployment and all he is going to have to process; I guess I can only pray I can be the shoulder he needs to lean on when he needs me to be.
The media has so many times throughout this deployment made me panic and then thank you God put my mind at ease many of those times; although sadly this deployment not always. Something I have noticed that affects me is the guilt I feel when I have that awful thought or feeling of being thankful it was not my husband or a husband/son of someone I know. I had to say that out loud, I do not like how it makes me feel and I wish I could block that thought out when it sneaks in, because I so pray it was no ones husband, wife, son, daughter, father, mother, grandson, granddaughter….I know we are at war and people who are loved are going to die. I hate those facts, the media so often shows me the reality of.
I am so counting down the days for Shane to be home for good; for a while. 🙂
- Canadian soldier killed in Afghanistan during routine convoy (thestar.com)
- Suicide Bomber Kills 13 American Troops in Kabul (battleland.blogs.time.com)
- Car suicide bomber targets NATO convoy in Afghanistan (cnn.com)
- Suicide bomber hits NATO bus in Kabul; troops, Afghans suffer casualties – Washington Post (news.google.com)