Well there I was last night April 16th 2012 thinking about another April 16th, 14 years ago. I was thinking
about my angels birthday. It is sad to say I cannot seem to think of Jay’s birth without thinking about his death. I wonder if all moms who have lost a child do that? Granted the memories of his delivery make me sad, his birth fills me with joy, yet it is still so hard not to be heartbroken every time I think of them. So last night I was typing up two emotional moments when Shane came home from being in the Field (his first night out with his new Unit); I really did not want to upset him with my tears and thoughts, I hastily posted the start of the night before Jay passed away. I am sorry for the confusion.
Fourteen years ago on April 16th we were at home watching ER (isn’t funny how you can remember what the last show/movie you watched on TV was when you go into labor? I can remember for each baby. lol) while I was starting to become stressed because I was only 7 mos pregnant and felt like I was having contractions. I decided to take a bath (which did not help) in the back ground ER is still on and Shane is on the phone with the OB nurse and after that life rushes forward and spins out of control. For those of you who do not know me, I like being in control and the next 17 mos and then some really pushed my control issue buttons.
Having Jay three and half months early was a God send and a nightmare. We knew something was seriously wrong with my pregnancy and the chances of Jay being born alive or living very long after birth were not good, this unexpected delivery put that fear to rest a few months early and got Jay the help he needed. But it still made Jay’s struggles all the more challenging due to his prematurity. Now of course Jay was from conception not real sure he wanted to be born, I was on bed rest with him the first couple of months and when he was born, he was blue as could be. The NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) Dr. got pretty frustrated with Jay’s indecisiveness; thankfully she won him over and he opted to stick it out for the moment. Unfortunately we were not out of the woods and little did we know 5 hours into his life, he never really would be. At this point Jay (all 2.5 lbs of him) takes his first helicopter ride to the NICU at Milwaukee Children’s Hospital for his first surgery that would last 6hrs. I was still in Marshfield due to having to have a c-section; I had had a major placental abruption resulting in major blood loss and premature labor. The Dr. told Shane if he had waited just 30 more minutes to get me in, Jay and I both would have died. Shane was so awesome…he even got us a police escort on the way (we lived about 45 miles away from the hosp). 🙂
So on April 17th, 1998 we welcomed our son Jay Daniel into the world named for his Uncle Jay and his Uncle Danny; already loved dearly by Shane and I, his sisters Katelyn and my Artist, his grandparents and some of our family and friends. My life, my personality, my convictions, relationships, marriage, beliefs, hopes, dreams, belief in prayer and God would all be totally shaken. Shaken and stirred to be more precise, because this process 14 years later is still going on in some areas of my life.
Jay would end up in the hospital at least once every month for the next 17 months; in 4 different major hospitals, he would have multiple surgeries, a liver transplant and he had to deal with multiple anomalies. Jay would also go on to touch the lives of so many people who to this day I am still in awe at the old soul in our little boys sad little body and the smile that was always on his face and in his eyes. Jay’s life was full of love and we made a point that he lived that life as normal as possible; he gave us so much and I am so grateful he chose to stick around with us for those tragic yet magical almost 17 mos.
I am sorry, I could go on and on, but I am afraid if I do these tears will as well. It is time to close that door on those ever so neatly filed shelves in my mind… or are they in my heart?
Happy birthday my precious Jay Daniel, I miss you terribly and I love you just as much today as I did the day you were born-with all my heart.
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